Post by BadInfluence on Apr 20, 2020 6:01:06 GMT 9.5
There was something to be said about confessing and then owning up to the fact that you’re flawed, a little broken, and yeah… Twisted.
The need to be perfect had been a stupid quest in the first place, to become the ideal for someone else was an impossible feat, why in the hell she thought she should do it she couldn’t even remember anymore. What she did know was that she’d made one hell of a perfect ass out of herself and there wasn’t any two ways about that one. Gia had given her an opportunity to grow and develop as a person and a doctor, it was a chance to learn everything she could about the darkness of the forbidden world, the absolute enemy of the very people she had grown up around. She should have ran at the offer, should have refused it but then there was always that part of her that wanted the darkness, as much as she loved the light she wasn’t a part of it… She wasn’t like Jacob who thrived being a good person, being a wonderful man, an amazing person… Hell, why in the Gods wisdom he was even still with her? Was truly beyond her comprehension. Or anyone’s, really. Sydel and Gia both understood the situation better than she did and she was the one living it for the love of fuck. Maybe it was her youth showing and there was only one cure for youth and it was a damn bitter pill to swallow.
Fact was that she liked broken things, broken people were like ambrosia to her, nectar for the hummingbird. The more broken the better, the jagged edges and missing pieces were that siren song to her soul and she was drawn to it like a recovering alcoholic gets summoned to the nearest bar when things get hard, she just couldn’t break that inherent need to take the shattered and pour herself into them to try and make them whole. Through a lot of reading, a lot of self-work, a shit ton of writing things down in diaries she had come to the realization that it was really just her own brokenness she was wanting to fix. The idea that if she could fix someone else’s problems then her own too would become solved in the process. Some sort of like, therapy by proxy, which she had also learned just didn’t actually help. It was like the boozer loading up on cough syrup and saying it was only because they had a cough and not at all because of the alcohol in it.
As she understood more through the incredibly uncomfortable process of self-realization she began to see more and more of the flaws in herself and how she had tried to handle everything. She’d expected so much from Jacob and Ace, forcing her own needs and expectations onto them and then wondering why they struggled or outright rebelled, thinking their difficulties were from their own issues rather than the reality that she was forcing them into situations they never should have been in. Worse still is during that time she had whined that they should still love her through it, as if love was some sort of permanent obligation, a requirement that they never got to grow out of or change. Oh to say that all of this was… Agony… Would have been like calling Mount Everest a tiny little ant hill in the sand. It hurt to see how many mistakes she made, the chaos and destruction she had left in her wake, a bull in the emotional china shop. She’d done unforgivable things to them, everyone, and had pouted like a child when she got called out on it.
Why hadn’t one of them just killed her yet at that point was entirely out of her ability to understand.
She sure as hell would have killed herself if she had known.
At the moment she was serving a sister house of the Navere, a relative by marriage a few generations back, one of the few that was standing with the household versus against in the current turmoil that was the Underdark. A war like what was being waged had not been seen for some time, like a flow of pyroclastic gas the household had swept through and was covering everything in blankets of ash and pumice like some modern day Pompeii. Those who had a chance to see what was happening were quickly picking a side, fight and perhaps win untold glory or align themselves at the right hand of the warring devil in hopes of staying alive, but no matter what came about one thing was for sure… The Underdark was in a state of war and unrest, they were struggling with the sudden upheaval of the settled way of life they had known, it had been so long since something like this had happened that many were… Insulted… That such a low house was suddenly rocking the boat. Navere was at once time the secret butt of several jokes with their weapons master being about as skilled as a babe in the work room, they were ignored and disregarded in general, after all what threat did they pose? They didn’t have much worth stealing either so they were left alone in general but all that changed.
One moment the house fell, the lands were consumed by a sudden shift in the plates of their home and the area was consumed by the earth and magma, and it had seemed that it was the end of the story. Next thing anyone knew they were back like a thunderclap and a force that hadn’t been seen since the days when the banishment was still fresh and Lloth had been more present and vengeful in her existence. It was apparent that Lloth was playing with the newly risen house and was using it to punish her people for growing lax in their murderous ways… But what no one knew outside of the immediate underlings to Gia herself was just how many pale skinned elves were having a hand in that very shake up. She knew personally that as soon as the goddess Lloth decided she was done with her new toys they’d have to run and fast or be killed for daring to be in her domain, witch elf or not she was still considered an enemy of the Drow, and rightly so… She might love their world and the delicious foreignness of it but she was no more a part of it than a fish is the aquarium it is placed in. This was not her place and it was perhaps that very fact that helped her realize so much more about herself than she had before.
Of course serving in the other household between shifts for Gia had also done much to smack some reality and sense into her amazingly thick head.
This particular Matron was sharper than a blade and had beat her more than once when her ignorance of proper drow tradition had been revealed, something she didn’t speak a word of to anyone because it was deserved, her naivety needed corrected and friends weren’t going to do it well enough. A rough hand, a sharp kick, the bite of a whip were what made lessons sink in and stick. As a female she was above all males, but as a half-breed she was essentially little more than a slave, her own attitude had more than once been far too above her station and she’d been reprimanded and instantly. Her hands and face were spaced for as a doctor she needed them to work but outside of that everything was fair game and she had more than once bore bandages and splints for her trouble. Was it… Bad… That she enjoyed it? Maybe… But then again maybe that was her biggest issue. She didn’t understand a world without pain. Her past molded her and now she was a cripple trying to outgrow her afflictions and the only way to do that? Was to break everything and reset it in the proper way.
Jacob had the boys with him when she went out, she never took them with her as having given birth to boys was an insult to her Matron, males were kept home with the fathers and taught how to be a proper servantile partner and that was the end of it. Her debacle with Ace… Jesus fuck… She’d struggled with that in more ways than one but in the end she realized telling Ace about his son? Was just her own desperate attempt to keep him in her pocket because she liked having his brokenness around. His fucked up and poisonous nature was a drug and she enjoyed indulging when ever she wanted. She didn’t want Ace to know about his son because he was a father or because it was good for him to know, she literally just liked it because it put a collar around his neck, one she could yank when ever she wanted to. The downside to that was Ace didn’t exactly come alone, his bitch of a mother was up his ass like some venereal disease and often used Anya as a means to keep things… Well… It kept anyone from rocking the boat so to speak. It certainly kept her from rocking any boat because the last thing she needed was to piss anyone else off.
Of course that said? She had her own issued to deal with in regards to Jacob. Their wedding was currently on hold, she was asking for an extension because right now she meant what she had said to him before, that she didn’t think she was ready for that sort of permanence yet. Did she love him? Yes she did, she really, truly did love him. That said? She had too many issues to enter into a marriage. She needed to outgrow that stupid need to fix broken people, she had to get over her itch with Ace though fuck if she knew how she was going to do that, the little bastard was like heroine one hit and you never really shake it. The sex was amazing, he was volatile and violent, unpredictable and all of that rolled into one sexy package made her wet and weak in the knees. Jacob was more cool and collected, no matter how far into the shade he dipped there was always half of him in the light, he was always going to have a part of him that was pure sunlight and just entirely good… Like his mother and his father there was a split in him that enveloped them both in one being… Good and bad, light and dark, poisoned and cured… The issue she struggled with was that he was just… So fucking GOOD. Everyone liked him, he was exceptionally skilled and uncommonly wise, he had such a calm center that never wavered… He knew who he was and what he wanted. She? Hell she couldn’t even settle on an outfit some mornings let alone who she was. She felt… Like a bad match for him. Sure their hearts were one in the same, they both loved each other she never doubted that, she knew a part of her heart beat for him. She just wouldn’t marry him until her heart beat entirely for him because it would be the cruelest sort of bullshit to have all of him but only give him part of herself.
As if by example she was in Splinter tonight, settled at the bar and sipping on a nasty little demon that was part Deathshead, part Absinthe, and a shot of cobra venom just because. It had been a long, rough week at the ally house, she was covered in bruises from her mistakes but each bruise was a badge to her, another year of emotional and mental growth obtained through pain and humiliation. She learned, she grew, but she still had a damn long way to go before she was anywhere near the rest of them. Jacob had been invited up to meet her if he wished, she had already asked Diovan ahead of time to watch the twins in case he wanted to come, arrangements already made for that particular situation. Ace had been invited too though she doubted he would come… Hell, to be blunt she doubted either of them would come, she wasn’t exactly everyone’s favorite flower lately now was she? Either way she had invited them both and no, she hadn’t tried to play the coy one and tell them to come without the other knowing, she’d been honest about it and had been for a while now. They were lovers before her and had become enemies because of her, the fact that she’d single handedly soured decades of romance and friendship still pissed her off to this very day, if she had been even a whit more mature then she would have known better…
Oh well.
All she could do now was try to find her way in the world and who knows, maybe patch the bridge she’d damn near burned to the ground, and if not? Then she spent the night alone or usually with some poor girl who enjoyed pain and was a willing pain slut that she got to unleash her anger and frustrations out onto. She HOPED she might run into one of them though lately sex wasn’t even happening, since the twins she hadn’t been sexual even once, her sex drive pretty much tanked and the only things that worked for her came from Gia’s own private stash and she wasn’t about to go dipping into that when she couldn’t even be a decent person to people who mattered to her. One thing she had made clear though was that Jacob had her blessing to go and find his needs satisfied. Jealousy? She had felt it at first though if he had ever done it or not she never knew, all she did know was that she had told him to do it, there was no reason for him to suffer because she hated herself. What ever happened she just… She hoped he was finding at least some pleasure down here with her, he seemed happier with his father figure at least, felt like he accomplished more on the battlefield… It was a chance for him to explore a different side of life down here even if it put him in a rank of a male slave he was still esteemed among his peers and feared on sight by their enemies… Or was that just her thoughts trying to make herself feel less guilty for what she’d done by dragging him down there with her when he had no fucking need to be in a place that stank of hate, blood, sex and drugs… She? Oh she fit in beautifully, it was as broken as she was, but Jacob… He had that light in him… She was only just realizing her light was more like a glow worm… An illusion that lured prey in…
Would he come?
Would either of them?
It was hard to say as she remained at the bar, almost blind really to what was going on around her, focused instead on her drink and her own internal war that never seemed to end lately.
i.pinimg.com/564x/a5/81/70/a581708fa827f7bf486c3df096dd096a.jpg outfit
The need to be perfect had been a stupid quest in the first place, to become the ideal for someone else was an impossible feat, why in the hell she thought she should do it she couldn’t even remember anymore. What she did know was that she’d made one hell of a perfect ass out of herself and there wasn’t any two ways about that one. Gia had given her an opportunity to grow and develop as a person and a doctor, it was a chance to learn everything she could about the darkness of the forbidden world, the absolute enemy of the very people she had grown up around. She should have ran at the offer, should have refused it but then there was always that part of her that wanted the darkness, as much as she loved the light she wasn’t a part of it… She wasn’t like Jacob who thrived being a good person, being a wonderful man, an amazing person… Hell, why in the Gods wisdom he was even still with her? Was truly beyond her comprehension. Or anyone’s, really. Sydel and Gia both understood the situation better than she did and she was the one living it for the love of fuck. Maybe it was her youth showing and there was only one cure for youth and it was a damn bitter pill to swallow.
Fact was that she liked broken things, broken people were like ambrosia to her, nectar for the hummingbird. The more broken the better, the jagged edges and missing pieces were that siren song to her soul and she was drawn to it like a recovering alcoholic gets summoned to the nearest bar when things get hard, she just couldn’t break that inherent need to take the shattered and pour herself into them to try and make them whole. Through a lot of reading, a lot of self-work, a shit ton of writing things down in diaries she had come to the realization that it was really just her own brokenness she was wanting to fix. The idea that if she could fix someone else’s problems then her own too would become solved in the process. Some sort of like, therapy by proxy, which she had also learned just didn’t actually help. It was like the boozer loading up on cough syrup and saying it was only because they had a cough and not at all because of the alcohol in it.
As she understood more through the incredibly uncomfortable process of self-realization she began to see more and more of the flaws in herself and how she had tried to handle everything. She’d expected so much from Jacob and Ace, forcing her own needs and expectations onto them and then wondering why they struggled or outright rebelled, thinking their difficulties were from their own issues rather than the reality that she was forcing them into situations they never should have been in. Worse still is during that time she had whined that they should still love her through it, as if love was some sort of permanent obligation, a requirement that they never got to grow out of or change. Oh to say that all of this was… Agony… Would have been like calling Mount Everest a tiny little ant hill in the sand. It hurt to see how many mistakes she made, the chaos and destruction she had left in her wake, a bull in the emotional china shop. She’d done unforgivable things to them, everyone, and had pouted like a child when she got called out on it.
Why hadn’t one of them just killed her yet at that point was entirely out of her ability to understand.
She sure as hell would have killed herself if she had known.
At the moment she was serving a sister house of the Navere, a relative by marriage a few generations back, one of the few that was standing with the household versus against in the current turmoil that was the Underdark. A war like what was being waged had not been seen for some time, like a flow of pyroclastic gas the household had swept through and was covering everything in blankets of ash and pumice like some modern day Pompeii. Those who had a chance to see what was happening were quickly picking a side, fight and perhaps win untold glory or align themselves at the right hand of the warring devil in hopes of staying alive, but no matter what came about one thing was for sure… The Underdark was in a state of war and unrest, they were struggling with the sudden upheaval of the settled way of life they had known, it had been so long since something like this had happened that many were… Insulted… That such a low house was suddenly rocking the boat. Navere was at once time the secret butt of several jokes with their weapons master being about as skilled as a babe in the work room, they were ignored and disregarded in general, after all what threat did they pose? They didn’t have much worth stealing either so they were left alone in general but all that changed.
One moment the house fell, the lands were consumed by a sudden shift in the plates of their home and the area was consumed by the earth and magma, and it had seemed that it was the end of the story. Next thing anyone knew they were back like a thunderclap and a force that hadn’t been seen since the days when the banishment was still fresh and Lloth had been more present and vengeful in her existence. It was apparent that Lloth was playing with the newly risen house and was using it to punish her people for growing lax in their murderous ways… But what no one knew outside of the immediate underlings to Gia herself was just how many pale skinned elves were having a hand in that very shake up. She knew personally that as soon as the goddess Lloth decided she was done with her new toys they’d have to run and fast or be killed for daring to be in her domain, witch elf or not she was still considered an enemy of the Drow, and rightly so… She might love their world and the delicious foreignness of it but she was no more a part of it than a fish is the aquarium it is placed in. This was not her place and it was perhaps that very fact that helped her realize so much more about herself than she had before.
Of course serving in the other household between shifts for Gia had also done much to smack some reality and sense into her amazingly thick head.
This particular Matron was sharper than a blade and had beat her more than once when her ignorance of proper drow tradition had been revealed, something she didn’t speak a word of to anyone because it was deserved, her naivety needed corrected and friends weren’t going to do it well enough. A rough hand, a sharp kick, the bite of a whip were what made lessons sink in and stick. As a female she was above all males, but as a half-breed she was essentially little more than a slave, her own attitude had more than once been far too above her station and she’d been reprimanded and instantly. Her hands and face were spaced for as a doctor she needed them to work but outside of that everything was fair game and she had more than once bore bandages and splints for her trouble. Was it… Bad… That she enjoyed it? Maybe… But then again maybe that was her biggest issue. She didn’t understand a world without pain. Her past molded her and now she was a cripple trying to outgrow her afflictions and the only way to do that? Was to break everything and reset it in the proper way.
Jacob had the boys with him when she went out, she never took them with her as having given birth to boys was an insult to her Matron, males were kept home with the fathers and taught how to be a proper servantile partner and that was the end of it. Her debacle with Ace… Jesus fuck… She’d struggled with that in more ways than one but in the end she realized telling Ace about his son? Was just her own desperate attempt to keep him in her pocket because she liked having his brokenness around. His fucked up and poisonous nature was a drug and she enjoyed indulging when ever she wanted. She didn’t want Ace to know about his son because he was a father or because it was good for him to know, she literally just liked it because it put a collar around his neck, one she could yank when ever she wanted to. The downside to that was Ace didn’t exactly come alone, his bitch of a mother was up his ass like some venereal disease and often used Anya as a means to keep things… Well… It kept anyone from rocking the boat so to speak. It certainly kept her from rocking any boat because the last thing she needed was to piss anyone else off.
Of course that said? She had her own issued to deal with in regards to Jacob. Their wedding was currently on hold, she was asking for an extension because right now she meant what she had said to him before, that she didn’t think she was ready for that sort of permanence yet. Did she love him? Yes she did, she really, truly did love him. That said? She had too many issues to enter into a marriage. She needed to outgrow that stupid need to fix broken people, she had to get over her itch with Ace though fuck if she knew how she was going to do that, the little bastard was like heroine one hit and you never really shake it. The sex was amazing, he was volatile and violent, unpredictable and all of that rolled into one sexy package made her wet and weak in the knees. Jacob was more cool and collected, no matter how far into the shade he dipped there was always half of him in the light, he was always going to have a part of him that was pure sunlight and just entirely good… Like his mother and his father there was a split in him that enveloped them both in one being… Good and bad, light and dark, poisoned and cured… The issue she struggled with was that he was just… So fucking GOOD. Everyone liked him, he was exceptionally skilled and uncommonly wise, he had such a calm center that never wavered… He knew who he was and what he wanted. She? Hell she couldn’t even settle on an outfit some mornings let alone who she was. She felt… Like a bad match for him. Sure their hearts were one in the same, they both loved each other she never doubted that, she knew a part of her heart beat for him. She just wouldn’t marry him until her heart beat entirely for him because it would be the cruelest sort of bullshit to have all of him but only give him part of herself.
As if by example she was in Splinter tonight, settled at the bar and sipping on a nasty little demon that was part Deathshead, part Absinthe, and a shot of cobra venom just because. It had been a long, rough week at the ally house, she was covered in bruises from her mistakes but each bruise was a badge to her, another year of emotional and mental growth obtained through pain and humiliation. She learned, she grew, but she still had a damn long way to go before she was anywhere near the rest of them. Jacob had been invited up to meet her if he wished, she had already asked Diovan ahead of time to watch the twins in case he wanted to come, arrangements already made for that particular situation. Ace had been invited too though she doubted he would come… Hell, to be blunt she doubted either of them would come, she wasn’t exactly everyone’s favorite flower lately now was she? Either way she had invited them both and no, she hadn’t tried to play the coy one and tell them to come without the other knowing, she’d been honest about it and had been for a while now. They were lovers before her and had become enemies because of her, the fact that she’d single handedly soured decades of romance and friendship still pissed her off to this very day, if she had been even a whit more mature then she would have known better…
Oh well.
All she could do now was try to find her way in the world and who knows, maybe patch the bridge she’d damn near burned to the ground, and if not? Then she spent the night alone or usually with some poor girl who enjoyed pain and was a willing pain slut that she got to unleash her anger and frustrations out onto. She HOPED she might run into one of them though lately sex wasn’t even happening, since the twins she hadn’t been sexual even once, her sex drive pretty much tanked and the only things that worked for her came from Gia’s own private stash and she wasn’t about to go dipping into that when she couldn’t even be a decent person to people who mattered to her. One thing she had made clear though was that Jacob had her blessing to go and find his needs satisfied. Jealousy? She had felt it at first though if he had ever done it or not she never knew, all she did know was that she had told him to do it, there was no reason for him to suffer because she hated herself. What ever happened she just… She hoped he was finding at least some pleasure down here with her, he seemed happier with his father figure at least, felt like he accomplished more on the battlefield… It was a chance for him to explore a different side of life down here even if it put him in a rank of a male slave he was still esteemed among his peers and feared on sight by their enemies… Or was that just her thoughts trying to make herself feel less guilty for what she’d done by dragging him down there with her when he had no fucking need to be in a place that stank of hate, blood, sex and drugs… She? Oh she fit in beautifully, it was as broken as she was, but Jacob… He had that light in him… She was only just realizing her light was more like a glow worm… An illusion that lured prey in…
Would he come?
Would either of them?
It was hard to say as she remained at the bar, almost blind really to what was going on around her, focused instead on her drink and her own internal war that never seemed to end lately.
i.pinimg.com/564x/a5/81/70/a581708fa827f7bf486c3df096dd096a.jpg outfit