Post by BadInfluence on Sept 30, 2019 6:37:38 GMT 9.5
(Lets Just Try This, Please. If It Doesn't work it's Deletable. But it's better than not doing anything and chasing my own tail.)
They were out of the hospital which was a great step in the right direction, something that she appreciated because for all she didn’t mind working in one? She definitely didn’t like staying in one. The difference on patient versus doctor was just insane and something she wondered might change a little bit with effort on both parties. Certainly something to look into. During her stay though a lot of things had been brought up and pointed out, and admittedly? It hurt. Like it hurt a LOT. She had to face up to stuff that she didn’t want to deal with let alone admit they were real, things like the mess between her and Ace, Ace and Jacob… Those two had once been so deeply in love were now divided and hard, Jacob had a seething dislike for Ace and Ace? Well who the hell knew what was going on with him. And she? Smack dab in the middle and her heart ached from it. She was supposed to be marrying Jacob within a few months time and right now? She was having doubts. She hasn’t so neatly over it as she liked to pretend and apparently her act hadn’t fooled anyone. Should she even go ahead with marrying Jacob if she couldn’t draw her own lines in the sand? Why was it so hard to just out and out decide so that she didn’t have to keep with this uncertain back and forth? Every time she thought she got a step forward she had something pop up and remind her that she was no where near that sort of resolution. It was impossible not to feel horrible about it, she wanted to be better at it, she wanted to just make a choice but every time she thought she had? It just flipped her world on it’s head.
Sleeping the day away the twins were just clueless to the world around them, or rather, clueless of the chaos of their mothers world. What should she do? She had the position of a lifetime down in Menzoberranzan, she had come SO far in regards to what she was learning and being taught, Gia was very much like a mother figure and over all? She was really happy down there. She just wasn’t good with the emotional upheaval in her romantic life. Why in the hell couldn’t it just be cut and dry? Though on that note there wasn’t a single romantic relationship around her that was straight and narrow either. She was afraid that if she told Jacob all of it that he would seek someone else to comfort him and that killed her inside like the worst kind of venom. If it were a man sure, she could handle it, the relationship between two of the same sex would never be the same as a man and a woman. She wouldn’t feel like her place in his heart or his life were threatened by it. Not only that but with the fact that she was no longer able to have children meant that Jacob’s dream of having a couple of his own were dashed and he might look to someone else for what she couldn’t provide and that… Good God… That tore at her soul.
Ace was a train wreck that didn’t want to be fixed, Jacob was the most wonderful and understanding man in the world, a brilliant doctor and the most amazing friend.
Basically she was torn and she just simply couldn’t decide and because of that? Regardless of what she did or didn’t do, there’d be repercussions that were going to hurt her no matter what she did, the entire thing was making her chase her proverbial tail and she was beyond exhausted with it. What in the hell was she supposed to do? She wasn’t in a position where she could leave her employ with a letter of resignation, she had taken this post and position for life, this was not something you just… Walked away from. Jacob also had his position in the army and he was thriving, he seemed so much happier and healthier in this role, surrounded by the most amazing support system he was finding himself. She? Was losing herself more and more… Or maybe she never actually knew it in the first place… That was what she was afraid of. That maybe she had never actually known who or what she was, for all her smarts she was brain dead when it came to common sense, and because she had that tendency to jump first ask later… She was now in the situation she found herself neck deep in and sinking faster.
“My Dearest Jacob, “ The letter began in her warm, personal script that had a feminine lilt, just the right touch of swirl…
“Being here in Arvandor has made me face things that I realized I have just been running from for some months now… I don’t want to be brave and face it because I am so scared of what is going to come after but at the same time… If I don’t stand my ground and face all of this… Can I really say I deserve to be your wife? Marriage is forever, it’s what I’ve wanted with you since our first kiss, it’s been my dream and my sweetest condolence in the darkest moments. I also fear I don’t deserve it. You and I both know I’m not as over Ace as I like to try and pretend. I want to say I have put him behind me entirely but in the quiet moments when my mind has nothing going on in it, it’s often found wandering between the two of you, even though I know the right choice for me is You. You’re my dream come true but there’s a part of me that can’t get over what that was between myself and Ace.
I wish I knew what it was. I know in my mind? That Ace is nothing but bad news, he’s reckless and brash, selfish and absorbed in himself and the pleasures the world provides. He is just bad relationship material and he has absolutely no plans or desires to change a thing outside of his suit and the woman he’s with at the time. He’s bad for anyone he’s around, like a slow poison, but even knowing all of this I still cant shake him. He’s like a tattoo, deep in my skin and no matter how hard I try to scrub it’s not coming off, and I hate it… I hate how unfair this all is to you given everything between us is so tangled you’ve still been nothing but the most wonderful partner I could ever have. I want to be worthy of you Jacob. I want to be worthy of you and I know right now? That I’m not.
Deep down I’m not good enough to be your partner. I know the choice isn’t mine, you and only you can chose your heart beat, who you love… Just like myself and I can’t decide between you or Ace. Until I can I feel that I am always going to be unworthy of you and all that you are. I don’t know how to step forward from here, I don’t know how to navigate these strange seas and I want nothing more than to find a way there, to find the place I need to be in order to be your Wife.
I hope… Perhaps while we are here in Arvandor that we all three might get a chance to meet up and talk? There’s things I need to say to you both and there are things I am sure you both need to say to me, and to each other, things that won’t rest in the wayside quietly anymore. I hope this is something we can do peacefully and perhaps lay ghosts to rest…
I Will ALWAYS Love you, My Precious Tin Soldier, My Heartbeat, My Soul…
Forever Yours,
-R
They were out of the hospital which was a great step in the right direction, something that she appreciated because for all she didn’t mind working in one? She definitely didn’t like staying in one. The difference on patient versus doctor was just insane and something she wondered might change a little bit with effort on both parties. Certainly something to look into. During her stay though a lot of things had been brought up and pointed out, and admittedly? It hurt. Like it hurt a LOT. She had to face up to stuff that she didn’t want to deal with let alone admit they were real, things like the mess between her and Ace, Ace and Jacob… Those two had once been so deeply in love were now divided and hard, Jacob had a seething dislike for Ace and Ace? Well who the hell knew what was going on with him. And she? Smack dab in the middle and her heart ached from it. She was supposed to be marrying Jacob within a few months time and right now? She was having doubts. She hasn’t so neatly over it as she liked to pretend and apparently her act hadn’t fooled anyone. Should she even go ahead with marrying Jacob if she couldn’t draw her own lines in the sand? Why was it so hard to just out and out decide so that she didn’t have to keep with this uncertain back and forth? Every time she thought she got a step forward she had something pop up and remind her that she was no where near that sort of resolution. It was impossible not to feel horrible about it, she wanted to be better at it, she wanted to just make a choice but every time she thought she had? It just flipped her world on it’s head.
Sleeping the day away the twins were just clueless to the world around them, or rather, clueless of the chaos of their mothers world. What should she do? She had the position of a lifetime down in Menzoberranzan, she had come SO far in regards to what she was learning and being taught, Gia was very much like a mother figure and over all? She was really happy down there. She just wasn’t good with the emotional upheaval in her romantic life. Why in the hell couldn’t it just be cut and dry? Though on that note there wasn’t a single romantic relationship around her that was straight and narrow either. She was afraid that if she told Jacob all of it that he would seek someone else to comfort him and that killed her inside like the worst kind of venom. If it were a man sure, she could handle it, the relationship between two of the same sex would never be the same as a man and a woman. She wouldn’t feel like her place in his heart or his life were threatened by it. Not only that but with the fact that she was no longer able to have children meant that Jacob’s dream of having a couple of his own were dashed and he might look to someone else for what she couldn’t provide and that… Good God… That tore at her soul.
Ace was a train wreck that didn’t want to be fixed, Jacob was the most wonderful and understanding man in the world, a brilliant doctor and the most amazing friend.
Basically she was torn and she just simply couldn’t decide and because of that? Regardless of what she did or didn’t do, there’d be repercussions that were going to hurt her no matter what she did, the entire thing was making her chase her proverbial tail and she was beyond exhausted with it. What in the hell was she supposed to do? She wasn’t in a position where she could leave her employ with a letter of resignation, she had taken this post and position for life, this was not something you just… Walked away from. Jacob also had his position in the army and he was thriving, he seemed so much happier and healthier in this role, surrounded by the most amazing support system he was finding himself. She? Was losing herself more and more… Or maybe she never actually knew it in the first place… That was what she was afraid of. That maybe she had never actually known who or what she was, for all her smarts she was brain dead when it came to common sense, and because she had that tendency to jump first ask later… She was now in the situation she found herself neck deep in and sinking faster.
“My Dearest Jacob, “ The letter began in her warm, personal script that had a feminine lilt, just the right touch of swirl…
“Being here in Arvandor has made me face things that I realized I have just been running from for some months now… I don’t want to be brave and face it because I am so scared of what is going to come after but at the same time… If I don’t stand my ground and face all of this… Can I really say I deserve to be your wife? Marriage is forever, it’s what I’ve wanted with you since our first kiss, it’s been my dream and my sweetest condolence in the darkest moments. I also fear I don’t deserve it. You and I both know I’m not as over Ace as I like to try and pretend. I want to say I have put him behind me entirely but in the quiet moments when my mind has nothing going on in it, it’s often found wandering between the two of you, even though I know the right choice for me is You. You’re my dream come true but there’s a part of me that can’t get over what that was between myself and Ace.
I wish I knew what it was. I know in my mind? That Ace is nothing but bad news, he’s reckless and brash, selfish and absorbed in himself and the pleasures the world provides. He is just bad relationship material and he has absolutely no plans or desires to change a thing outside of his suit and the woman he’s with at the time. He’s bad for anyone he’s around, like a slow poison, but even knowing all of this I still cant shake him. He’s like a tattoo, deep in my skin and no matter how hard I try to scrub it’s not coming off, and I hate it… I hate how unfair this all is to you given everything between us is so tangled you’ve still been nothing but the most wonderful partner I could ever have. I want to be worthy of you Jacob. I want to be worthy of you and I know right now? That I’m not.
Deep down I’m not good enough to be your partner. I know the choice isn’t mine, you and only you can chose your heart beat, who you love… Just like myself and I can’t decide between you or Ace. Until I can I feel that I am always going to be unworthy of you and all that you are. I don’t know how to step forward from here, I don’t know how to navigate these strange seas and I want nothing more than to find a way there, to find the place I need to be in order to be your Wife.
I hope… Perhaps while we are here in Arvandor that we all three might get a chance to meet up and talk? There’s things I need to say to you both and there are things I am sure you both need to say to me, and to each other, things that won’t rest in the wayside quietly anymore. I hope this is something we can do peacefully and perhaps lay ghosts to rest…
I Will ALWAYS Love you, My Precious Tin Soldier, My Heartbeat, My Soul…
Forever Yours,
-R